I'd love to watch you eat

I don't know how it began exactly, but I love to watch people eat. It's a sensual, slightly erotic, very personal, pleasure of mine. I should also say that I don't like to watch just anyone eat. Well, I do enjoy watching most people eat, but there are levels of it for me. The people I like to watch the most are those who eat with reckless abandon; the ones who enjoy every mouthful of everything they eat, and won't stop eating until their taste buds are satisfied. These are the people who eat the way I want to live life. They lick their taco-bell wrappers clean, they suck the sugar off their fingers after the doughnut is gone, they light up when someone brings them a homemade cupcake and always ask for seconds. They are unafraid of fat and calories and the silly consequences we're all so fearful of in this society (anything but deep fried, trans-fat, sugary concoctions of goodness! Food isn't meant to be rich or fulfilling! More fiber, less carbs! Come on people, eat to survive not to feel satisfied!). I am always, always, jealous of them.

My best friend is like that. She sucks her drinks down to nothing and savors the greasiest of pizzas. I love her for that. Well, I love her for lots of things, but that's one of them. I worked at a restaurant that made really amazing pastries for a while. I refused to take part in enjoying them (too much fat and sugar, I have a ridiculously low calorie goal to meet, I can't eat that!) so I would bring them to her to just sit back and watch as she scarfed down one, two, maybe four pastries in a row. God, it was like I got to taste every cherry danish, every almond croissant that I had only ever sampled and never actually eaten. It was beautiful to me, and I was jealous.

The second type of eater I like to watch best are those like me. More accurately, like I used to be. The ones who have this inner voice telling them to put the fork down, to have a salad instead, to avoid anything with fat, carbs, sugar, protein, starch, calories. The ones who are only eating small bites, one per minute. I watch them with a sense of longing. Not because I long to be like that, but because I can feel the longing in their hearts that make them eat this way. I can see it, and I know it too. I've known that longing for years now. The longing to be more of everything by being less. It doesn't really make sense, but it's how it goes. There's this essential part of them that they ignore, that I ignored for years, that wants to really feel and be full and understand the richer, abundant parts of life.

Those parts of life, much like saturated fat, are scary and unpredictable. Sometimes they taste amazing, like a butter croissant with gouda and turkey, and sometimes they give you heartburn (chili cheese fries come to mind). The uncertainty is what makes them cringe at deep fried anything, or rich foods that are likely high in calories. The thing is, much like saturated fat, what they all fail to see is that without that unpredictability life becomes bland. Sure, we could all eat salads and whole grain bread for every single meal without dressing or butter, but what would be the point? To nourish our bodies? What about our need to taste, feel the texture of cheesecake, smooth and lush on our tongues, melting down our throats? What about the simplicity of buttered toast? White toast, to be exact. It's like God came down, gave the world a cloud and said, "put this little bit of animal fat on it," and all was right.

So what's my point? My point is that I gave up on being so paranoid about unpredictability. I gave up on freaking out if something had butter in it. Then I realized that what I love the most is watching people eat things I made. So I started making more and more things. Sure, sometimes I can't make myself eat those things (puff pastry is a big one. . . I like butter, but I have my limits. Eating disorders die hard.), but I keep on making them because it's what I love to do. I love it, and I have learned that sometimes I too can eat with reckless abandon. I need to eat with reckless abandon. But I also realize that I'm always going to be me, a high strung, over analytical gal from the southwest who can't quite reconcile her image of life with the life she actually lives. SO. I bake to figure shit out, and I bake for the hell of it, and I bake because if I didn't I'd go crazy. Now, I'm going to bake for you. I might as well, I do for everyone else.